Tension

It's that time again here in Uganda. School fee time.  Lack of free education means struggling to send children to school for most of the population.  Thefts increase....selling a stolen TV can pay tuition in full for at least one quarter. Our Ugandan friends will hesitantly (and some not so hesitantly) ask for financial help for their children.  And, sadly, many will have to tell their kids that school won't be an option this term.

Honestly? It's a place of tension for me.  (Anyone read the book, "When Helping Hurts"?  You should.)   This is a hard topic to write about because there's no quick, easy answer. No situation is alike.  Discernment is important.  It's a culture that's still riddled with a poverty mentality. Where planning ahead is a foreign concept, where even if you have a steady job, the wages of 400,000 UGX a month (less than $200) don't cover much more than food and shelter, and where relationships with your friends, family, community, and neighbors mean they might pitch in financially when needed. Also, it means being an ex-pat in a developing country can sometimes come with a price tag.  We have advantages. The advantage of being born into a nation that has opportunities like free education, jobs, healthcare, clean water, housing, government assistance, must I go on?  We gripe about these things and the enabling situations they sometimes can create, but we have them. Abuse them, yes. Take advantage of them, yes.  Become indifferent or take them for granted, yes. But we have them.  If a financial disaster were to happen to my family and I could no longer make ends meet, I have an option to receive government assistance and my children still can get an education. That's advantage.

So when our friends here ask, we give.  We give to a friend wanting to get married because it's the community that financially helps him put on a wedding, give a dowry, start a life.  We give to the gate guards and house help because we know that by having them employed, it means being a part of their lives and struggles.  As I watched my friend give to the random lady who walked up to her, the "mzungu" in a parking lot, with hopes of some money for school fees, I thought about how in that instance, saying "no" because you don't want to enable or create dependency or confirm the "white savior" mentality - is HARD.  It's hard to look someone in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, but no" especially when you know you have money to give.  It's hard to keep looking forward when the beggar on the street is at your window, knocking and holding her hand out....and the hand of the baby on her hip, too.  It's hard to see the endless need. It's absolutely gut wrenching to not give.

But it's gut wrenching to give, too. ( Do you feel the tension??)   I know that teaching someone with a poverty mentality to learn to save and prepare financially for upcoming expenses, I KNOW that it's in the teaching, not the giving, that sustainability comes.  I know that the difficult tasks of 60 Feet - healthcare education, resettlement with family, counseling (just to name a few) - are where the fruit begins to grow in a person's life.   I know the old adage of "teaching a man to fish" is the better way. In fact, our Ugandan friend, a recipient of support with his school fees throughout most of his education, said just the other night, " When foreigners give, it's helpful, but when they teach us, it's better."

But - again - the tension.   The tension between giving and knowing that the gift might not be the most helpful thing.  It's excruciating to roll around in my mind. But when I do hear stories of someone who pulled up their own bootstraps and figured out a way to be resourceful and make their own ends meet - that's invigorating! But yet, even rolling around all of these thoughts and typing them on the computer right now just adds fuel to my internal fire of why have I been blessed to be the "blessed" one?  Why do I not struggle for food, shelter, and education the way the majority world does? What are the responsibilities of this blessing?

What a burden and responsibility we carry, friends.

Looking Back

This morning, in my long sweatpants and sweatshirt (it WAS 60 degrees mind you....rainy season brings in the cold!),  I was re-reading portions of my journal that I've kept since last summer. It charted some of my feelings as we prepared to leave for Uganda, when we arrived, and the day-to-day living. Boy, what a journey it has been! As we now have less than 3 months to go before our flight that takes us out of Uganda, to our layover city of London (and a one day stay to see the city!) , and finally - home, my journal reminded me of my human-ness during this whole year.   

The first entries were fraught with worry and concern....would we fundraise enough? would UG feel like home?  what about healthcare?  what about safety?   When we arrived, my entries began to simmer....concerned mostly with satisfaction of arriving safely, feeling at home, ready to begin.  Then, slowly, you can see where God started to work on me. Though it was the kind you usually don't like to experience.  All my fears and insecurities were blown wide open with situations that tested my patience, my hidden self-love-importance-worship, my marriage, my relationship with my children, my confidence. All of it - shredded. Then slowly, sewn back up.  

 Around 5 months in, you start to see the growth.  The field had been sowed with good seed and was beginning to grow.  My journals began to be less about me and my struggles, and more about praising God for allowing me to see the blessings.  The growth in an almost 12 year old marriage.  The ability to spend so much time with my girls and work on their character, learn more about the bible, see them learn how to play together in a new way, see them serve with child-like passion and fun.  The love of the people we are serving.

 And finally, now, in the last few entries you begin to see harvest. It's a beautiful bounty as I take in the gorgeousness of these people and their country. And there's preparation for what lies ahead, taking home our experiences - with NO worry.  Less stress.  Because I really have learned this year that God IS in control.  No matter what the struggles, He is there....guiding us while using circumstances and situations and people to mold us.  His way is perfect.  

I have learned to be involved in the process, but to try not to control it.  Be involved in the raising of my children, but allow for God to do His incredible work in them without fear and control on my part.  Be involved in my marriage, but rely on God to be the one who unites. I can't ever be enough for Boog. Nor can he be for me.  But if we listen and follow His plans for US together, in that is the security. Also, be involved in situations that arise in life and pray for things to happen, but praise Him when they happen and praise Him when they don't. To be a part of the living, the inspiring, the action, the work....but know that ultimately, it is HIS. His glory. His story. 

Sophie & Grace and their co-op class, singing for Hope Int'l School

Grace, playing...

Sophie, playing...

My girls learning to be sisters who love each other.

4th time at the Nile (not many people can say that!)

Waiting on the Lord...

The other day, at Hope International School, we were filthy with red dirt.  It's just par for the course here, as so many kids, ripe with red dirt themselves, love to play, hug, sit on, and hold hands with their "mzungu" friends. So like normal,  I told Sophie to walk over to the water tank to wash her hands.  She turned the faucet on, the water poured, and she began to rinse. (You can see the tank in the wee background of the picture) 

Even in the chaotic midst of 200 children at recess, it wasn't two seconds before a very sharp-eyed teacher cautiously said, "Sophie - turn off the water. Turn it off."  I turned and made sure Sophie wasn't doing something wrong.  At the sight of her quickly shutting off the faucet, it occurred to me that we've been in the dry season. Two months now without rain.  The tanks were near empty, and washing hands was not a necessity. I stood, momentarily embarrassed, by my lack of sensitivity to an issue so personal to their lives.

I know what it means to be in a drought. I live in a lake community at home. A community that very often sees recreational fishermen unable to launch boats for months on end due to low lake levels. My neighborhood, like many others, gives "Water Level Warnings" and limits the days when we can water lawns. Prayers for rain can be heard from farmers, churches, and in general conversation all around town.   Droughts are a big deal in Texas.

But here, lack of water takes on a different meaning.  No rain in the Bwerenga village means not just extra caution, but extra everything. Extra work to maintain livelihood in a village that doesn't have a public water system.  More children walking with jerry cans to collect water. Crops that are sold can fail and no income is received....income that is needed for daily survival. A reliance on tanks turns to reliance on God to fill those tanks - with rain.

Mama Catherine's home is one of the few houses in Bwerenga that has an actual toilet. 20+ people living in her home, and something as simple as a toilet is huge.  But once again, no water system means each flush has to be poured in, and in the middle of the dry season, pouring in water for the toilet becomes a luxury. 

So all this to say, there's been an awful lot of patient waiting on the Lord in Bwerenga.  I've yet to hear a complaint, just conversations of prayers for rain. And in a sense, I feel their prayers are heard out of sheer necessity.  

This Friday, there was a downpour while we were there.  The children were crammed in their little school rooms, unable to play at recess.  My flip flops were caked with mud, and the sweet teacher assistant gave us an umbrella that helped little.  And in the middle of the storm, the teacher sang with the kids "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day - the little children want to play!"   

The irony of it was their smiles were big and everyone was joyful.

The Lord had answered their prayers.

SIDE NOTE: Not to bring this around back around to us, but I'm gonna bring this back to us.

My family has made the decision to head back to the good 'ol USA at the end of our year in July.  It was a hard decision to make. We truly love the 60 Feet family we have here with our new friends. But we truly miss family at home, too.  To sacrifice to come here was an easy choice. Really, it was. I heard God loud and clear, and obedience was the only choice.  But to make the decision to go home, back to our comforts, when we could stay here another year or more.....that was way more difficult. It almost felt like we were giving in.  I didn't hear God as clearly on this one, to be honest. I felt as if He was saying, "I'm with you if you go, I'm with you if you stay."  So we will be coming home.  I would like to invite you to pray with us as we patiently wait on the Lord.  We are hoping to transition back into our home, back into the girl's same school, back into our jobs. That's not a guarantee.   So please pray with us, as we wait for the Lord to provide what we need. He always has, and when He does, there will definitely be big smiles and joy on our end here!

Sophie Turns 5 - IN AFRICA!!

I'm a little late in posting this, but my baby....my BABY...turned 5 last month. In Uganda.  No words at the coolness of that factor. I can see it now, Sophie in kindergarden, "So my birthday party last year had chameleons and turtles and a bouncy house....in January!"  All the kids, "Yeah, sure...".  

But it really did.  In Texas, Sophie never really has had much of a birthday party sad to say.  They've been mostly cakes (always cakes!) with family at our house because the weather is so stinkin' cold! Grace's birthday is in May, so she's had the full experience of outdoor parties, swimming parties, and what. (Threw in a little African lingo there...and what?)   So for Sophie, we decided to do it up right.  

Unfortunately, that's somewhat of an effort here in Uganda.  Thankfully, THANKFULLY, our friend, Odong, "had a guy".....he always "has a guy" : )....that could rent us a bouncy house for not that much.  And a few months back, I saved a flyer that I saw of a Ugandan lady who makes cakes - legit cakes.  Hard to find here.  So a few phonecalls, emails, and one interesting cake pick-up by my hubs (let's just say the cake maker's home wasn't in an easy to find location)....and voila!  A unicorn theme party for Sophie!

But here's the rub.   We've only been here 6 months...7 now, excuse me.  We have lots of acquaintances, but really, there's just one family whose children my girls play with on a regular basis! It was a little sad for me, I don't know why, to just have one family come party with us....not at all like back home where the family and friends are around every corner.  Thankfully, Sophie didn't care and had a great day - her day! She latched on the phrase, "The birthday girl gets to do it first!!" 

This girl.  She's spirited, imaginative, always cheerful....looks super sad/awful if you ever get onto her, so therefore makes it super hard to get on to her....most of her day she spends in a dream world where she is a cat, horse, unicorn, what have you with a red/white mane, red nose, and all kinds of details that only she can see.  

We love this girl. Who's 5. In Africa.

Thief of Joy

 Trails to Run in Uganda

I remember back in 2008 (gosh, 6 years ago now!) when Boog ran his first marathon with our friend from California.  Then later, he crossed over to trail running and began small - a 10k here, a 25k there. Soon came the 50 miler. Then the 100k....He always remembers when he first started running trails, struggling with a 25k, he would look over at the guy next to him and say, "What are you running today?".  Sometimes the response would be, "Just a 50 miler..."

Comparison can totally be the thief of joy, right??

And really, comparison might not be the right word. It's more perspective.  And here is where this blog begins.

Last year, when we came over during our summer and volunteered with 60 Feet, two months seemed like an incredibly long time.  From the perspective of folks like us, who had been on several "mission trips" of the week/two week kind, two months was quite a stretch.

Then, we commit to a year.  A year seemed like forever when we set off...until we arrived and started meeting other Americans (or Australians or Brits or Dutch) who looked a bit incredulous when we said we're here for "just a year".  "Why, you are barely getting to know the place after a year!" was a common response we heard (their perspective!).  In talking, we've found so many ex-pats who haven't just committed to 3-5 years, but are here indefinitely.  Sold their homes, sold their stuff, sold their lives back home to create a life abroad. Their children go to international schools or are at boarding schools in Kenya. They've taken the time to hang pictures on their walls (a big sign that you are settling in) and accepted the fact that once-a -year furloughs back to wherever they call home are all they get.

So what seemed like a big commitment to us now, honestly, seems to pale in comparison to what technically could be called "real" commitment.

Oh....I could get bogged down in the details of that crack-crazy, slippery-slope concept.  Are we really sacrificing enough? Are we staying long enough? Have we done ENOUGH??   Good grief.  Thief of Joy.  My husband sometimes has to give me a good shake when I start to wallowing about nonsense like this....

What I  know is I am absolutely certain the hills of Kampala are a gorgeous sight to see, 

but from the perspective of the kids inside these prison walls below.....

they represent something much more than aesthetics.

Comparison at home in America (bigger house, nicer car, better job...) can definitely hog the happiness. And even here, where a friend once wisely said it's a lot of  "us dying to us",  sometimes prestige is placed on who is staying longer, who is working in the more 'dangerous' places....and the guilt of whether or not to go or stay. I find it's absolutely crazy what we humans can do to ourselves mentally!

My daughters and I had a morning bible lesson about the rich landowner who gave his three employees money to use wisely. One buried it with no gain, one invested small and profited, one invested large and smartly and received back enormous gain.  That parable can translate pretty easy .... don't squander your gifts given from God.  One gift is your abilities. The "investment" isn't about length or danger or in-country or out-of-country, it's the investment of your heart to the work.  The reward will be great if you give your heart - all of it -to what you've been called to do, in whatever country, town, or home, in whatever form, and with whatever amount of time and sacrifice you can give.

The mission of Sixty Feet is still the same.
Bring hope to the imprisoned children of Uganda.
And that comes in many forms...justice, medical, counseling, education, etc.
And the workers give of their time & hearts.
And the profit is Large.

2013, wow....

How can I begin to describe the whirlwind of a year 2013 has been for our family?  

Nuts. Just nuts.

It's the year we went from being two school teachers in a town that's not even a dot on a map, to deciding in just one week that we would move across the world to work with 60 Feet. What can I say about that decision? Just one thing. God would not let me say no.  I absolutely did not want to go, but I knew I had to say yes and my husband, wisely, allowed me to come to my own decision on that.

It's the year I began to homeschool my girls and found a great co-op to join in Kampala.

It's the year I went back to my beloved Hope International School.  Seeing familiar faces, watching my girls  (especially Grace) really pitch in and help, loving on the kiddos.....all goodness.

It's the year we joined in on our first international field trip. 

My girls got the bonus of a camel ride that day...

It's the year of an 85 degree Christmas season and decorating cookies with new friends.

 And where homemade Christmas ornaments decorated our 4 foot tree.

It's the year where my intentions were to have a small (ie. few presents) Christmas, but because of sweet  friends and family back home sending all kinds of goodies, my girls enjoyed the fun of opening many gifts!

It's the year where right after opening our own gifts, we headed to Bwerenga Village to give out gifts collected by my home church thousands of miles away....the smiles and thank you's that day were amazing.

It's the year we killed and ate our first Christmas turkey present given by our friend, Odong.

It's the year where our family and friend flew in for the holidays.  

Just in time, too, because we were missing home quite a bit during Christmas.

It's been an incredible year.  Full of faith steps, growth, growth, and more growth.

It's the year where I learned a lot about myself, to be honest. I peeled back a few ugly layers and put in some work.  It's the year where I learned that my marriage to my handsome husband isn't a cakewalk, but it certainly helps if you know you are walking it together - in love and, very often, with laughter. It's the year where I've been SO proud of my husband, too, and the work he's put in with 60 Feet Uganda.  The blessings on him with wisdom and leadership have been abundant. It's the year I'm realizing my oldest girl is growing and maturing into a young woman.  I'm currently praying about how to earn her heart and trust now....before she really starts to fly.  And at the same time, it's the year where my baby, my youngest, is turning her imagination up to full speed.  I love watching her flit around.....

and then I wonder if she's really the last?

While I am always excited about what lies ahead, I have to say 2013 will be hard to beat.

In 2014, we have some decisions to pray about ....coming home, jobs, moving forward....

so many things.  But trusting God with our obedience, 2014 will be equally as amazing.

 No matter where our location. 

Just the Girls....

Grace (9 1/2) and Sophie (one month away from 5!)

This post is all about my girls.  

There's no deep, thoughtful Africa-fied post. It's just about them. 

One of the things I love best after having blogged for so many years is getting to look back at a post and remember "Oh yea, they DID that!" or seeing pictures reminding me of a time I've long since forgotten. Baby stories like this http://www.floferrell.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-daughter-is-obsessed.html  or memories made like this http://www.floferrell.blogspot.com/2008/12/all-aboardthe-polar-express.html  are just too fun to reminisce!  

So let me remember to write about them now. Just as they are......

Grace is truly remarkable in that she seems to transcend time.  Certain times, she is fully nine.  Silly, crazy, imaginative....playful with her sister and buying stuffed animals with her money.  Other times, I feel like she's so mature in ways I never was at that age. She knows when kids are being too crazy. She loves adult meals like ceasar salads and stir fried veggies. She likes independence and chooses to walk a bit in front of her mom on these red dirt roads.  She chooses to read, read, read.....she even finished her Harry Potter book (750 pages!) in 3 days. (I had to remind her to eat and drink.)  She appreciates Africa for what it gives us as a family - lots of time together, less stress/busyness.....but she also knows that home is where the heart is and family is huge part of that heart. She is tenderhearted and can cry at the drop of a hat if she thinks she's displeased you.  She is also a good friend and loyal. She doesn't understand girl drama at all.

Sophie, at 4 (but really 5 in one month) has truly come out of her shell. Or busted out of it....it's so interesting to see how Ugandans act towards her. They like her. I mean, really like her.  She  keeps everyone laughing...right now she is fully quoting Planet Earth  videos and runs around making tiger or lion noises with her nose all squished up (sounding like a dying horse really).  She has learned nearly 25 sight words at homeschool this year and, hopefully, will start reading a few starter books next semester.  She is tough. If she falls, she'd rather say "I'm okay" than cry....even if it hurt. She is still a picky eater (chicken, PB&J's, chips...that's about it.)  Sophie can befriend a tree and it's quite often I find myself pointing to a little girl here and saying, "Sophie - go be her friend." She will go bouncing up to that said girl and be playing together in two seconds flat.

It's funny how God works out deep desires.  I've always wanted to stay at home with my girls.  But I've always enjoyed working, too.  Growing up, my mom was a bit of the 'asian-tiger-mom'. I've had a job since I was 9, I think. I like the order and structure of working....but I've always wanted to be able to take just a year and spend it with my girls.  Well, God answered that prayer by sending us to Africa.  

I'm with my girls nearly 24/7.  It's wonderful, but at the same time, I also have to remind myself to make the most of it.  That's hard because sometimes I'd love to just have a moment of breather time alone!  We've reached that glorious age where my girls can play without too much supervision....momma can do other tasks...and I have to remind myself not to get caught up in that!  Momma CAN do other tasks, but taking this year - this time - with them is so much more than about doing tasks.

I'm going to blink and they'll be in college.

I'm going to blink and they'll be moms of their own.

I'm going to blink and I'll be saying, "It all goes by so fast."

Grace & Sophie, you two are your parents' joy!  We love you!