Saturday, June 19, 2010

Losing My Way (and Heart)

I'll admit it.

These past few months I have considered blogging a chore. Something I have to do. A burden of 'needing to update'. And it my writing, in my half-hearted posts, letting pictures do all the talking. My absent heart so apparent in each post. But also, these past few months, I have considered my quiet time a chore. Something I have to do. A burden. Oh alright, I'll say it. A chore. Check it off my list, it's done for the day.

I'm not ashamed to admit it. I know each one of us has been here before. (I just happen to have a blog, that I update, therefore I let you in on my little secrets sometimes.)

I took a look back at my blog, back in August of 2008 when I was pregnant with Sophie, and I had just started my "Journey Through the Bible" updates. At the end of every post, I'd add some thoughts about my reading through the Old Testament, hoping to use my blog as an accountability measure of sorts. It lasted through December of 2008.... then Sophie was born. Then it was gone. Moms, I know you've been there.

I can't blame Sophie. But I do know that I have to admit it, go before my Lord, and admit the way I've treated Him lately. Not lately, "a lotly" (not a word, I know.)
I've made Him fit into my schedule. I've put house stuff before Him. I've put my physical fitness above Him. I've put my children above Him. I've put my "Flo time" above Him. And I've made the Lord I once knew fairly well, a side note.

I've started reading through the Psalms and taking it slow and easy. I feel like I'm lamenting right along with David and the others. Begging the Lord to not lose faith in me. Begging him to still show me favor from my enemies. I'm stepping back into this relationship as one would step into frigid water. I know how HE feels about it - He has open arms.

But I'm scared I'll allow myself to slip away again.

I love Jesus. He's made me a better person.
Through Him I know I can love my family and others better.
If I can just hold onto that thought, it might get me back on top of the mountain and out of this valley.


BeechemBrightSpots said...

Flo, this is great! You are so transparent and that makes me feel better...I go through those ups & downs all the time...sometimes during the same day! :) We'll just have to keep praying that God will continue to prompt you to keep taking those steps in that frigid water. :) Love you!

Jenna said...

love your honest heart! God does love you and sees you as someone who is precious in His sight. Praying that He will show up and that the Holy Spirit will make His word come to life for you all over again! Love ya!

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